Judging others is a part of living inside of these precious human minds and bodies and can be intoxicating, compelling, and addictive.
In an uncertain world, judging others gives the mind something to grasp, a sense of certainty or superiority that often likes to say:
“I know what’s right.”
“I’ve figured it out.”
Even if it creates division or suffering, judgment can feel safer than the unknown.
Plus, it can be used as a protective strategy to mask or armor our own vulnerability and pain.
And judgment also lights up the brain’s reward centers.
Just like sugar, it creates a short-term dopamine hit (but, of course, often leaves us emptier afterward).
However, when we’re in judgment…
…our body constricts,
we disconnect from our hearts,
we become prone to rumination,
it wakes us up in the middle of the night,
we get ourselves even more stirred up about the situation,
we begin to hear their voices inside of our own heads,
and we feel even more things like annoyance, frustration, disgust, anger, sadness, and so on.
In other words, the moments of being in the hypnotic grips of judgment do not generate the experience that I find is way more productive and feels much better:
true, heart-opening joy.
Also, just to be clear…
I am not at all suggesting that judgments are inherently bad. And we surely don’t want to judge the part of us who judges.
However, I’ve found that our judgments can do a lot of harm if we let them run rampant without being inquired into more thoughtfully and consciously.
With loving intention, judgments can actually be invaluable guides that reveal insight into…
our own values and the things we hold dear,
our own triggers, self judgments, personal fears, and the parts of us that need healing,
and our addictive and deceptive thought patterns and mind traps that rob us of the tremendous peace, light, and joy that exists underneath and beyond our judgment.
Therefore, below is one of the many “grow the good” practices I cherish in my own life whenever I notice myself having a judgment of somebody else.
I truly hope it serves you and helps to free you from a little more unnecessary suffering and opens up a bit more space for inner peace, the expansion of love, and the availability for greater wellbeing.
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Turning Judgment Into Joy
STEP 1:
I invite you to think of a judgment (or two or three!) that you are having about somebody else right now.
Just name the judgment, and bring it out into the light of love where it can be articulated, identified, and examined more consciously and intentionally.
For example, perhaps you judge your coworker or friend for being ungrateful, inconsiderate, selfish and unkind.
Here’s your prompt…
“I judge ____________ for being ____________.”
STEP 2:
Recognize what these judgments reveal to you about what you value.
Using the example above, this likely reflects that you value gratefulness, thoughtfulness, generosity, and kindness.
There are endless examples.
When you do step 2, it will lead you to a list of your values. Get clear on 1-6 of them.
You can use this prompt:
“This reveals to me how much I value ____________.”
Breathe that in.
Own it…
“I value ____________.”
Yes yes yes.
That’s what you value and who you truly are, underneath all the pain, fears, and misunderstandings we pick up along the way.
You are someone who treasures ____________(your beautiful values).
Notice how good it feels to refocus on your values and plug into their energy, rather than what this other person has said or done.
STEP 3:
I invite you to get curious…
How can you grow more of those values inside of yourself, your life, and the world? What specific actions can you take that are in alignment with them?
Rather than focus on the other person’s shortcomings or mistakes…
…use this moment as a catalyst to amplify what YOU want to multiply instead.
Studies on happiness show that living in alignment with our values is vital to our happiness and inner peace…
so rather than resisting this other person, we can allow our judgments of another to redirect us back home to our true selves.
And we can put our efforts on creating lives even more intimately reflective of what we hold dear.
If we allow ourselves to get lost in our judgments without doing this KEY inner work, we can unintentionally sync up with the energy of the very thing we judge.
Instead, my own prayerful question I sit with every morning — and perhaps it is one you may want to try on as well…
“How can I allow every experience to, ultimately, make me a better, even more awake, and more loving human being?”
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Let’s grow the good together. Our world needs it so.
