It’s been a little over a month since our sweet soul pup and my constant furry companion, Snuggabella, transitioned into the light of love, and my heart has experienced so much healing since…
…and I simply wanted to take a moment to write up and share some things I found meaningful, healing, and supportive as I moved through the grief, just in case it can support dear YOU. 💖
What I share is relative for grief and loss of all kinds, not just with death, but with a loss or change in relationships, workplace, living locations, stage of life, health, and so on.
I also want to acknowledge that grief is deeply personal, and every single person gets to grieve every unique loss in their own one-of-a-kind-custom-fit way, and I support, with all my heart, however, that looks to you. 🥰
And I want to be so sensitive. This is what worked for me in this particular moment in time, and I know the magnitude of losses can vary greatly. Please discard anything not helpful. 🙏
This also comes with the biggest hugs of deep love, empathy, and compassion for however you are, right where you are. 💕✨
🪽🦋20 THINGS I’VE LEARNED FROM GRIEF AND LOSS 🦋🪽
1. WHEN WE KEEP OUR HEARTS OPEN TO ALLOWING GRIEF, WE DO THE SAME FOR LOVE AND JOY.
It feels important to start with the acknowledgment of how essential it is to turn lovingly towards, to feel and allow, to befriend and welcome the things we want to heal.
Grief is most certainly not merely an intellectual process but a deeply emotional and physiological one, and it’s irreplaceable to make space for the tender waves of emotion to wash over and through us, to breathe into and through whatever sensations and feelings arise.
As much as I am an ambassador of joy, I really am an enthusiast for all of our feelings.
I love to feel!
At this point in my life, when feelings of any flavor arise, I want to greet them as the wise counsel they are, showing up with messages, insights, and sacred invitations I can only receive when I soften and compassionately and curiously welcome them as valued allies and teammates on the journey.
And I also know that emotions *not* felt get postponed, close our hearts, stifle our aliveness, and come out sideways in unhelpful ways.
That’s not very fun, so when it comes to grief, I want to be there wholeheartedly.
When I surrender to the wave (rather than resist it), I find that it leads me home to the shore of deeper peace, joy, and grace, over and over.
2. GIVE TEARS A HIGHER PURPOSE.
I love thinking about the way water shapes the Earth, carving canyons, smoothing rough edges, creating entirely new pathways where none existed before.
As tears emerged for me, my prayer, over and over, was for them to carve out new openings and spaces in my own mind, body, heart, and spirit for even greater love to inhabit, for more light to flood in, for even more gratitude and joy to be felt, for a heightened awareness of the miracles and gifts right in front of me.
And, by holding that prayer, I do believe it was and is so.
3. BE A MEANING MAKER TO BECOME A MAGIC MAKER.
While emotions are amazing, our minds also need a place to land, guidance and direction on how to orient around a particular situation.
Without this, our emotions tend to tell our mind what to think (and it may or may not be helpful or accurate).
Instead, I’ve found that it’s so valuable to bring all of our thoughts, those that are rational and those that are not, out into the light of Love where they can be met with kindness.
And then to consciously choose…
What meaning do I want to give this?
Because experiences don’t have one inherent meaning.
Instead, they have whatever meaning we give them, and there are soooo many options available to us…
…some that are life-giving, nourishing, healing, supportive, inspiring, empowering…
…and plenty of others that are not.
There is a spectacular opportunity in this for all of us, because we alone get to choose the meaning we give absolutely everything and anything in our lives.
And be assured: this is anything but denial.
It would be much more tragic to deny this superpower we all have.
For example, from the moment Snuggabella went into a seizure she was not coming out of, during a circle with my longest women friends, I decided it was a miracle that she got to be surrounded by these magical midwives who could help birth and bless her as she was born into this next stage of her expanded spiritual journey.
And I have no problem calling it death.
I adore resurrecting the words and concepts we have made dark or taboo or fearful and letting them feel welcomed, honored, allowed, and softened into.
Death is the most natural thing in the world.
However, I found it even more heart-opening, soul-expanding, and possibility-creating to call it things like a graduation, a spiritual initiation, a return to Pure Love.
It gets to be death AND these other wondrous things too.
I also decided the orange bandage the vet wrapped around her wrist where the needle was inserted looked like a festival wristband, granting her permission to the Divine Cosmic Festival of Love.
And the dear vet covered her nose and paw in bright fuchsia ink to make memorial nose and paw prints (which was so sweet)…
…and it looked as if she had turned into a unicorn, right before our eyes, becoming adorned for said festival!
And her precious little body? Rather than seeing it merely as a sad deceased body, we turned it into a gorgeous altar, filled with flowers, gems, and beauty.
The key here is that we each get to be the artist of our own lives and create meaning that unlocks the magic awaiting inside of nearly everything…
…and that we would otherwise completely miss.
(There’s also plenty of research to back up the power of meaning making.)
4. RECLAIM RITUAL.
If you are someone who loves practical, logical, efficient, grounded ways of being, you may be delighted to know…
…the subconscious speaks in symbols, and ritual is one of the most profound ways we can actually access and communicate with the subconscious…
…which just so happens to shape and dictate so much of what we think and feel on any given day…
…but can be harder to access and rewire.
Ritual helps us do just that.
I am wildly in love with ritual and implement it nearly every single day of my life and have for more than two decades, and I can say with conviction how powerful and life-changing it is.
Our ancestors used ritual to make sense of things, to stay connected to who we are in mind, body, heart, and SPIRIT…
…in ways many have forgotten and yet feel deep in their bones…
…that something soulful is missing.
Ritual can plug us back into what I believe is an essential dimension of who we are, and it doesn’t need to be anything fancy.
For example, we decided to ritually plant our precious girl under a pear tree we picked out just for her, symbolizing the soul pair (pear) we got to be during her time on Earth…
…as well as the ways she continues onward to nourish other creatures who partake of her fruit, her energy becoming woven into the larger interconnected and enduring whole of Life.
And I now get to visit her tree daily, which has become its own sacred ritual.
5. COUNTERBALANCE WHAT DOESN’T ENDURE WITH AN EVEN GREATER AWARENESS OF WHAT DOES.
The mind can do funny things with the finality of things, such as “I’ll never _____ again.”
While there is much peace to be had in making peace with the impermanence of the human experience…
…I also find it comforting to play with finality in a different way…
…by remembering, in those moments, just how much all the moments we’ve shared are indeed a forever part of our hearts, stories, and lives ~ tattooed on our souls in ways nothing can ever take away.
6. SHIFT LONGING INTO SAVORING.
Missing and longing are common parts of grief, no doubt.
When I would find myself longing for what isn’t, I found it expansive and centering, instead, to shift into savoring what was.
It’s the difference between:
“I loved that, and now it’s over.”
and
“I loved that, and I’m going to continue to receive, be blessed by, and savor its wonderfulness.”
(Of course, I’m not suggesting it’s quite so simple sometimes. As with all of this, use when it’s helpful, and discard when not.)
7. WHEN LETTING GO, GET CLEAR ON WHAT YOU WANT TO LET IN.
It is the nature of loss that a void is left, something that once meant deeply much is no longer the same…
…leaving behind what can feel like a holy hole.
Of course, it is a beautiful practice to simply accept, honor, embrace and find peace with the emptiness itself.
And! Whenever I experience loss, I immediately love to clarify what I want to invite into the newfound space…
…even before there is any evidence or details of the specific form it will take.
For example, in this case, I remember sitting alongside her precious body after she transitioned, opening my heart and arms in sweet surrender, and declaring out loud something like…
“Even though this fresh and tender loss feels immense, and I don’t quite know how the future will look without her by my constant side…
…I choose to welcome in love, joy, service, purpose, contribution, miracles, and a deepened spiritual connection, in ways beyond imagining…
…not in spite of this loss…
…but to grow right out of the center of it.
And I choose to have faith in the details I can’t yet see.”
I repeated some version of this over and over in the days that followed.
And I can now tell you, holy guacamole, Bret and I have witnessed inexplicable and unforeseeable everyday miracles.
I can’t wait to tell you about one of them so soon!
8. LEARN ABOUT THE GRIEVING BRAIN and BODY.
Essentially, grief is an altered state our brains and bodies enter.
Unusual or unfamiliar thoughts, feelings, and sensations will likely arise.
It can be so comforting, grounding, and reassuring to study and more intimately understand grief and to feel joined by countless people through all of time who can relate to the very things you’re experiencing and feeling, whatever they may be.
9. CONNECTION HEALS.
Biologically, we are social animals, wired for connection, and being not-alone literally dials down the threat response in our bodies and brains, making it much easier to soften into grief and let it flow without fear.
What a gift it is to find others who can hold a safe, loving, and empathetic space for all our thoughts and feelings to be seen, heard, welcomed, witnessed, and held.
So this is simply some encouragement not to underestimate the power of sharing your heart with trusted others and to tap into the healing power of togetherness and connection (and you can always find compassionate therapists, support groups, or online forums if nobody in your personal life has this capacity).
10. BE AWAKE TO THE “GOOD OLD DAYS” YOU ARE CURRENTLY LIVING.
Anytime I find myself nostalgic about “the good old days,” (which, of course, is completely understandable, so tons of compassion your way)…
…I quickly realize that *this very moment I’m in* will one day be the “good old days” for my future self…
…and I surely don’t want to miss the immense gift of these moments by wishing for them to be anything other than what they are.
11. GROW THE GOOD.
This mantra remains one of my most cherished, and what I love so much about it is…
…I don’t need to know what will be grown or how…
…before I begin to repeat this phrase.
However, as soon as I do, I am quickly reminded of the benevolent abundance of Life and the forever fertile soil it longs for us to recognize, garden, and seed.
12. LET LOVE LEAD.
Rather than meeting pain with pain or fear with fear, it’s so important to bring Love in to speak directly to whatever arises.
What does Love have to say?
What does Love want you to do, know, remember?
Listen closely. It has much to say.
13. SERVICE SURPASSES SUFFERING.
It is such a blessing and spectacular part of the human experience that our challenges don’t need to ever be wasted…
…that we can offer them up to our future selves, to the increased compassion in our own hearts, to the healing of others, and to the greater good.
In any challenge, simply intending “I want to use this to be of service to others…”
…gets us out of our suffering minds and reminds us that we’re here for so, so much more than ourselves.
Ironically and exquisitely, a service-orientation to life is significantly more healing and peace-and-joy-inducing than an over-emphasis on self. Isn’t that a beautiful part of the human spirit?!
14. TRUST THE PROCESS.
Given our options:
a. Fear and doubt the process (even though we have little idea of what is ahead, only what we’ve lost)
Or
b. Trust the process (which actually makes both the journey more peaceful as well as positive outcomes more likely)
…I know which one I choose.
And I’ve never regretted it.
For clarity: this is not about trusting “it’s all meant to be.”
(A concept I know can feel invalidating and confusing to many.)
Instead, it’s about trusting there’s a bigger picture to Life (there is), and this moment in time does not reflect the totality.
It’s about zooming out, even if we can’t see what’s ahead, to simply remember there is immeasurably much ahead we don’t know anything about…
…and letting this be a source of hope, comfort, perspective, and possibility.
15. OPEN TO THE POSSIBILITY THAT IT’S ALL GOING TO WORK OUT IN WAYS BEYOND IMAGINING.
On the altar in our bedroom, I have written out a note to myself I see multiple times a day, and it reads exactly this:
“It’s all going to work out in ways beyond what you can imagine.”
I smile, again and again, as I walk past, and say “yes, yes ~ thank you for reminding me.”
16. GRATITUDE TRANSFORMS LOSS FROM LACK –> INTO EVEN GREATER LOVE.
Loss can, naturally and understandably, put us in a mindset focused on what is missing, lacking, gone.
The opportunity to consciously choose appreciation, in every and any moment, is a profound privilege of being born into these human bodies and brains…
…and it is endlessly awe-inspiring to me that something so simple, free, and readily available can re-orient us so instantaneously and profoundly from lack and loss into greater and greater abundance and love.
It has the best return on investment of anything I have ever found.
17. KEEP THE CONVERSATION GOING.
I like to think we are in a relationship with everything, if we choose to see it as such.
Rather than walking through life disconnected…
…I have found there’s a magnificent way we can expand our awareness to perceive and receive gifts, blessings, and messages from just about everything and anything.
It is the great mystery how exactly it works when beings we’ve loved so dearly are no longer with us in the form they once took.
However, what I do know is this: the conversation doesn’t need to end…
…nor does the love, guidance, and support they have shared.
And I am now loving taking what I have affectionately named SnuggaSoulStrolls through our woods on the daily.
18. CREATE A PHYSICAL ANCHOR.
There’s a whole fascinating science behind how we can create a “physical anchor” to more readily generate a desired feeling.
You can do this with any hand position, movement, or posture that speaks to you (ex: hands over heart, two fingers pressed together, arms up in the air, etc.).
When done with repetition and intention, your brain and body learn to link that connection, and the emotional state you experience when doing your physical anchor grows perpetually stronger.
For example, I have ritualized pressing a designated spot on my wrist to “call her in,” reconnect, remember, and feel the presence of the sweet love Snuggabella so freely gave.
19. LET JOY BE THEIR REMEMBRANCE.
I’ve sat with many clients over the years who uncovered a part of their grief that made it challenging to heal: they (consciously or not) realized their grief itself had become a way to stay connected to their loved one.
And so, letting the grief go…
…felt like losing them even more.
However, I’ve found there are options here, and it just takes some conscious intention.
For me, although grief has been beautiful, purposeful, healing, and necessary…
…for the most part, I want to choose to connect with Snuggabella through joy, love, spirituality, gratitude, service, and an openness to miracles instead.
20. GIVE YOURSELF TIME, SPACE, and GRACE.
Lastly, there’s no set of rules or universal timeline when it comes to loss and grief, and I just want to offer a whole lot of loving encouragement to give yourself abounding compassion, grace, time, and space in the non-linear, organic process of healing your dear, dear heart.
And, of course, there’s no right or wrong way to grieve ~ just whatever is right to YOU.
~~~ I could keep going but will pause here.
Of course, feel warmly welcome to share your own experiences too, to add to the collective wisdom we all get to share.
And, again, I honor you wholly and deeply for however grief and healing look to you in any unique season or chapter, and I am sending you my most heartfelt love and blessings on your full-rainbow-spectrum journey, sweet friends.
Love and Togetherness,
